How to Handle Your Runaway Emotions

Have you ever had your emotions runaway from you?  One day, everything is fine and you’re feeling great and then boom!  Suddenly its like WTF just happened? Now I feel ….ugh….

Seriously, WTF just happened?

Here’s the deal: When something upsets us and if you’re like me and you’ve been practicing the Law of Attraction, it’s very easy to want to try to shove or banish those types of emotions away. You can’t though and let me explain why.

So the past few weeks have been a gentle reminder for me to feel all my emotions. Usually I feel good about everything in my life and I run around in a state of joy and happiness no matter what the situation.

Last week was not the case. My boyfriend and I found ourselves in a situation which was completely out of our control. See, normally money just magically appears in his bank account at the end of his pay period. It’s been like that for months and well, that’s what happens.

Well he switched jobs and the new one didn’t offer direct deposit, but rather a pay card where his money would be on payday. Now we didn’t think anything about this at all at the time because we assumed (don’t make assumptions) it would be easy for him to transfer the funds to his bank account on payday.

Boy were we wrong. Turns out transferring money or even getting the money off the card ended up being a veritable nightmare. I won’t go into details here, but it was bad.  Really terrible.

Some things are out of our control

Now, during this whole event, I started to feel really angry not just at the company who was holding his money hostage, but the company he works for.  One day last week I was so nauseous that I couldn’t even eat. Another day I had a migraine.

I sometimes have a really hard time expressing how I feel when I’m angry or upset. I don’t like to bring down anyone by sharing these emotions with anyone. As a result of holding back,  I was starting to manifest physical symptoms that were bringing me to my knees.

It wasn’t until earlier this week I realized what was going on and decided to do something about it.

So here’s the deal when you have low vibrating emotions such as anger, fear, and frustration,(aka the runaways.)

How to Handle Your Runaway Emotions

Feel Them!

Shake your fists, cry, or talk to someone such as a friend.  Don’t stuff them away and try to be happy when you’re clearly not!

Express them!

Find a way to express your emotions in a way which isn’t destructive or harmful to yourself or others. Write them down or write a letter to the thing that’s really upset you.  Sometimes I  sit down and write out everything that’s pissed me off about the situation or I write a letter to it. Then I burn the letter.

Meditate

Yeah, the less woo-woo guru is advocating meditation, but it’s not what you think. If you can take one minute during any sort of emotional episode and reconnect with yourself by just sitting down, closing you eyes and breathing deeply for about a minute, you’ll amazingly feel better.

Know That They Will Pass.

Our feelings are like the tide in a constant state of ebb and flow. Be patient and let them do just that, flow through you like a river. I always find this concept very comforting to me .

Find Five Good Things

Look around in your environment or life and find five good things, right now no matter what you are feeling. If you can do that, you’ll instantly raise your vibration and possibly feel better.

Note:

Of all the things on the list, finding five good things is my fave. I love it so much that I’ve written an upcoming book about it because it has single-handedly changed my life so much.  If you’d like to learn more about the book and get a free copy when it comes out, SIGN UP BELOW for my mailing list.

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Boundaries and The Bottom Line

Boundaries and the Bottom Line

(aka:  why I won’t work for free anymore)

 

Recently someone said to me something about boundaries and it got me thinking about them, the kind others have and the ones I have for myself.

 

Boundaries, limits, the proverbial line in the sand. What do you allow?  What is acceptable and what is not acceptable?

 

And this year, I am setting some serious boundaries with myself and my business both as a writer and producer.

 

Why? Because it’s time.

 

As I look over my past, I realize that by not setting boundaries, I have not honored myself. I’ve not appreciated and placed a high enough value on my skills and talents, and by doing so, I have suffered both emotionally and financially.

 

Let me explain. For many years, I would get a job offer and I would just take it, no matter what the pay was or the job. I did not place much value on my skills and abilities so I never asked for much. I was also taught to just take what you can get and just deal with it. “Make do,” as my mother would say. As a result, I ended up working for people who had no respect for me and who treated me as such.

 

In all of those years, I felt used and quite terrible about it.  I never really knew why because I never thought about it much. It all felt really wrong though. I was told to work hard and just do my job so I did just that for years on end.  Another phenomenon that I experienced during that was was regarding the quality of my work. The better my work was, the more work they gave me. Not pay, not respect, just more work.

 

And I get it. I was easy to take advantage of back then because I didn’t know any better.  I thought that maybe this was the way the world worked.

 

Now, a few years ago, I began to experience an awakening of sorts.  Maybe that wasn’t the way the world worked. I started writing full time, I started a business and I left my previous career behind me….

 

Or so I thought.

 

As I stepped into a more creative role and found my tribe, I’ve found such joy and happiness. I can’t imagine not being in this business, doing what I do now, writing and creating cool and amazing stuff cause deep down, it feels right and I love it.

 

What doesn’t feel right at this moment, however, is the fact that I keep allowing people to take advantage of me, my generosity, skills and talent.

 

Yes, I am taking responsibility for allowing it to happen because I am nice and I want to help as many people as I can be successful and live the life of their dreams. I’ve spent hours working on projects for people and not asked for money because I trusted them and believed that they valued me and my work and eventually, they would pay me. I was always afraid to bring up money and ask for money.

 

How very wrong I have been.

 

My time is precious to me. When I spend time working for someone be it as a writer or a producer or director and I don’t get paid, it hurts me…emotionally and financially.  When I think about all of the hours I have spent using my creativity and skills to help someone create or promote or make something awesome, I get angry because had they hired someone else, they would have paid them.

 

So….when I think about hiring someone to do something for me, no matter what it is, I want to pay them because they have spent time and used their skill and talent to help me in some way. I would never expect a plumber or mechanic to work on my house or my car for free.  What makes it ok to not pay someone (aka me) who is creating something for someone else to use to better their life or business?  Creative writing is work and it has value.

 

 

So with that being said, I am not going to work for free anymore. My time is valuable. My skills, abilities and creativity are valuable. I cannot pay my bills with ” thank you’s” and “I appreciate you”.  I am valuable and what I do creatively has value.

 

If you want to hire me, great, however, from this moment forward, do not expect me to work for free.  I will speak up, write a contract and ask to be paid. I am drawing my line in the sand and setting a boundary.

And that’s the bottom line.

 

Go With The Flow!

Go with the flow!

You ever feel like you are pushing and pulling in your life? Following systems, doing what others say you HAVE to do to achieve your dreams and have success? Are you trying to force something to happen your life or business?

 

Just stop. Stop what you are doing and go with the flow!

 

 

YOUR flow
YOUR rhythm!

 

Tune the others out and listen to your heart and find your own flow.

 

Lately I have been feeling very irritated.  Bugged. Annoyed.

 

When I get online and start working, I am fine as long as I stay off of social media meaning, I have to stay off of the internet.  When I get on social media, I get distracted and start reading other people’s shit. No matter where I go online, I see crap like this!

 

“Don’t stop! Don’t give up! Be yourself!  Stay plugged in!  Do the work!  Stop whining! Work until your fingers bleed! Give up everything and work work work!!  Ignore your life/family/friends! If you want to be successful, you have to [fill in the blank]”

 

And I am fucking sick of it!

 

Why?

 

Because if I wanted to work 18 hours a day, I would have stayed in the laboratory where I had to clock in and out everyday, be on call and give of myself all of the time even when I didn’t want to.

 

Seriously.

 

I left that life behind and the reason I choose to work from home and for myself is so that I don’t have to work 18 hours a day, 70 hours a week or more.

 

Just because I do not work all day, take a day off now and again and seek balance in my business and my life does not mean I am not dedicated or do not want to be successful.

 

I am dedicated.  Very dedicated to my writing. Very dedicated to helping others.

 

I work everyday and I do take time off . Now I don’t necessarily publish all that I write, but I am here, every day.

 

I strive to live a balanced and happy life, one in which my business is a part of, but not the ONLY thing I do.

 

So what’s with me getting so annoyed by the shit online that I keep reading and why in the hell do I keep reading it when it bothers me?

 

Because I let it and because I keep reading it like an idiot!

 

Yep.

 

I am taking responsibility for my actions and feelings and getting annoyed by other people’s advice is my fault.
So today I am choosing something different!

 

Fuck what they have to say! Fuck what they are doing! Seriously!

 

I have my own flow, my own rhythm and I run my business and my life how I see fit.

 

Go with the flow….your flow…whatever it may be!

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Rebuilding, Decluttering and Insanity

Rebuilding, Decluttering and Insanity

Today marks the nearly half way point of December. Half way through the month and I have been busy. Busy decluttering and rebuilding my life here in New Mexico.

 

For those of you that don’t know, when I moved back here in October, I came home to a house that was destroyed and trashed by my younger brother. I had an inkling that the house was in bad shape, but I had no idea how awful it really was until I walked through the front door.

 

Since that time, my father and I have been working diligently to clean up the mess and restore what was fucked up.

 

And it’s been work.

 

Hard, physical and sometimes heartbreaking work, but we are doing it. Every weekend, he shows up and we work on the house.

 

Like the hardwood floors that all needed to be stripped, sanded and refinished and the walls that all needed to be cleaned, patched and painted.

 

I love it when it gets done cause it’s so beautiful and clean, but damn, I get tired of working on it. Some days, it makes me sad that my brother cared so little for my house and in some ways it makes me feel that he doesn’t care about me or the rest of the family. Other times when we work on the house, I feel sadness that he is so messed up and I miss the person he used to be. I hope and pray that the sweet boy I grew up with is somewhere there buried within the horrific and destructive person who destroyed my home. And then there are the feelings of happiness I get when we finish something like the floors and walls and it looks so great and awesome.

 

I think the term for this cacophony of feelings is insanity.

 

Anyway….so there is the house. From the destruction, she is being rebuilt.

 

Then there is my life in the boxes. The boxes from oh-so-long ago, like 15+ years, of my stuff that I never really unpacked when I bought the house because back then they just were not a priority. Now, I’ve started to go through them.

 

I am calling this the great decluttering part 2 of 2015. It’s the end of the year and well, I had no idea what was even in many of the boxes because they’ve been packed up for so long.

 

Going through them so far has stirred up a bunch of emotions for me too.

 

Yay! More insanity!

 

The big questions that keep coming up are “Why did I keep some of the things I kept all these years? What stuff do I keep now? How can I free myself from being such a packrat? Maybe I should just accept that I am a packrat and love myself anyway.”

 

So my former life in boxes. Some of them are filled with wondrous memories and love. Others, not so much….but I am going through them, sorting and keeping some things that I really love and giving away other things that just do not serve me or that I do not like.
So I’ve been busy.  Busy and insane. I am nearly done writing another book and I am writing out my plans for next year. My office is nearly finished and once I get my new desk, I will be moving into that room and turning it into my sacred space for creativity and awesomeness.

 

So that’s where I am at today. Decluttering, rebuilding and insanity.

 

What are you up to?

 

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Where is Your Zen?

Has Your Zen Gone Missing?

 

I’ve just not been feeling the Zen lately. Yeah, I said it. My woo-woo zen happy-go-lucky spirit has left the building.

 

See, before I moved back to New Mexico, I was feeling the zen. And the woo-woo. My life was calm, happy and I was able to really get into my creative flow pretty much at will everyday and it was awesome.

 

Then I moved back to New Mexico. Back into the house that I’ve owned for 10 years. Back to the town I grew up in.

 

Now, moving, yes, it’s a huge change.

 

But there is more to my story than just moving across the country.

 

See, my brother had been living in my house for the past 4 years. Whilst he was living here, he decided that in his methamphetamine induced brilliance to ‘redecorate’ eg. destroy what I had already fixed up and/or sell/give away a bunch of my stuff and ruin whatever he got his hands on. He also let many of his so-called friends live here as well they did whatever they wanted to.

 

So when I arrived back just a few weeks ago, some of his friends were still living in the house or they had left things behind. Basically, I came home to a huge mess of epic proportions. To say I was upset would be an understatement.

 

And well, being constantly upset and angry like that, it’s somewhat taken my zen. I didn’t sleep well for the first week back in the house because my brother’s friends kept stopping by at all hours of the night and day. I’m not kidding about that. One of them came by at 4 am. He’s lucky I didn’t shoot him.

 

Also, it’s been very hard to find the zen when I look around and see all of the shit that I have to fix now as a result of my brother. From holes in the walls and doors, broken windows, gouged floors, broken trim and what not, I see these things and it makes me instantly angry. I’d like to kick my brother’s ass to be honest.

 

So where is the zen in that? There isn’t any zen in that.

 

Now before I left MA, I had all of these plans in my head for my writing and business, but since getting back, I’ve been struggling to even do a bit of writing because it comes out sooo angry and laced with venom. How dare I call myself a Law of Attraction coach or self-help guru zen writer when I am filled with angry and negative thoughts?

 

Basically, my writing and creative flow has been diminished since I got back. At this point, I have to change what I am doing so I can get my zen back cause I don’t like living like I have been.

 

So here’s my plan to get my woo-woo Zen back:

 

1. Have a Morning routine
2. Daily Meditation
3. Daily Tapping
4. Forgiveness

 

Have a Morning Routine

All a morning routine is what you do when you first wake up in the morning. It’s important because it sets the tone for the rest of the day. When you get up and do things that you love and are important to you, you feel better and therefore, have a better day overall. I didn’t realize how important and grounding a morning routine had on my life until it wasn’t there anymore as a result of moving.

 

See, before moving, I’d get up, do some yoga stretches, drink my tea, and get started writing. Since moving back, I haven’t had a morning routine at all cause things have been so fucked up. It’s time to get back to having a morning routine.

 

Daily Meditation

Meditation doesn’t have to be sitting in lotus position for hours on end. Meditation is just a bit of time that you take out of your day to sit, be calm and breathe. You can use a guided meditation or not. It’s your choice.

 

Before moving, I was meditating 5 minutes before I would write something creative. It’s time for me to add this back into my life.

 

Daily Tapping

Tapping is another great way to help calm ourselves down and find our zen. Basically, you tap on meridian points on your face and head while making statements about shit that is bothering you. There are tons of videos on Youtube to help you get started. Brad Yates is my favorite.  Here’s one of his fabulous videos to get your started tapping.

 

Again, tapping was something that I was doing nearly every day before I moved and needs to get added back to my daily morning routine.

 

Forgiveness

This is a biggy, but is so important. Practicing forgiveness everyday to people who have harmed or hurt us, frees us from negativity and anger. To do this everyday, you just say either outloud or in your mind, “I forgive you” when they pop into your head. With a bit of time, you’ll find your heart is lighter and your zen will return.

 

I’ve not been doing this at all which is probably why I’ve been so full of resentment and anger lately. It’s time to get rid of that shit once and for all so forgiveness is going to be added to my daily morning practice.

 

So if you’re not feeling the woo-woo zen like me, try the techniques I’ve listed above. Life is too short to live it in anger and resentment.

 

Now go find your zen!

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What I Know Right Now

What I Know Right Now

 

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks in my dream created life. Between moving ¾ away across the United States and reclaiming my house after my meth-head brother’s 4 year tenure of destruction, I swear that I am still waiting to land and figure out what is really going on.

 

Here’s what I do know right here and right now.

 

1. Gratitude must be practiced everyday. No exceptions.
2. Humor must also be practiced everyday.
3. Never deny your emotions.
4. Remember that destruction comes before creation.

Last week, I was on my way back to New Mexico from Massachusetts. I drove about 2300 miles alone with 5 cats across 9 states. When I finally got back to my home, I finally faced down what was one of my worst fears in the past few months: my brother had destroyed most of my things and a considerable amount my home, a home that I’ve owned for 10 years as of August of this year. He also had 3-5 people living here and some of their stuff was and is still here even as I sit here writing this at 3 am on Monday morning. I’m living out of a duffle bag and have yet to really settle in yet. I’m getting there though.  Day-by-day, little-by-little, my life back here in New Mexico is starting to stabilize.

 

I’ve ran through just about every single emotion that exists as a result. Sadness, anger, confusion, happiness, joy….you name an emotion and I’ve experienced it in the past week.

 

So…..here I am today and I have this to share.

 

Gratitude. Practice it EVERY DAY!

Throughout this whole experience, I’ve made it a point to find at least 5 things that I am thankful for everyday. Some days, it’s been a challenge, but I’ve done it regardless of what emotion I’ve been feeling at the time. No exceptions.

 

Humor. Find the Funny.

No matter what the situation, find some shit to laugh at and and again, practice this everyday.

 

Just as with gratitude, find the funny. Make a joke. Remember to laugh with your whole heart and body cause it feels good. I’ve somehow been able to find a ton of funny shit to laugh at everyday despite the fact that so much of my stuff has either been destroyed, sold or who even knows what happened to it.

 

Let Your Feelings Flow.

Never ever ever deny what you are feeling. Ever.

 

Get those emotions out. If you need to be angry for a moment, be angry. Feeling down or sad, feel sad. Cry if you need to. Yell and hit pillows (or demo a bathroom like I did yesterday with my dad) when no one is around if you are feeling angry. Let that shit out, but don’t let it consume you.

Remember that destruction comes before creation.

Before you can let new stuff into your life, there has to be a tearing down of the old stuff, no matter what that means to you. Right now in my life, destruction has become quite literal, but in the best way. I am in the process of tearing down what my brother destroyed to make room for new and better stuff. Yesterday, I had the wonderful pleasure of taking a sledgehammer and a crowbar to one of the bathrooms. I forgot how much I love demolition.

 

So that’s what I know right now:

Gratitude
Humor
Emotions
Destruction before Creation

XOXO

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The Condo In Purgatory

The Condo in Purgatory

 

I already did some journal writing today, but I’m still fucking frustrated and I don’t know what to do next. Do I write a blog? Do I create a new e-course? A freebie? Do I pack and clean some more? Do I just sit here and wallow in my frustration?

 

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

 

How do I quell my fiery discontent and restlessness?

 

I wish I was already back in New Mexico and this move was already behind me. I don’t like having to wait for the movers to come. I don’t like having to wait to go to court.  Fact is, I don’t like having to fucking wait for anything. To say that I am fucking impatient would be a massive understatement. I want everything done and taken care of right fucking now. Not tomorrow. Not in an hour. Not in one more fucking minute. I want it done so I can move on and get back some semblance of a fucking routine and normal daily life. I swear, this is like Purgatory.

 

I am living in the Condo of Purgatory.

I don’t even believe in hell or heaven, but I sure as shit believe in Purgatory.

 

Anyway….here’s the deal! I am neither here nor there. I’m in fucking between places.  Gah…..it sucks!  No wonder Dante wrote a whole book about it. Because I am moving in three weeks, where I am right now isn’t where I will be or want to be…and I fucking hate it here.  I’m ready to move now.  Ready to move on and heal from my time here in New England.  Ready to lick my wounds and begin again, only this time with more wisdom and experience and strength.  I want to go NOW!!! Fuck waiting.

 

I have more important things to do when I get back to New Mexico….and I want to start them  now.

 

and though I do have things to do here, I don’t give a shit about them. I’m done with this stupid condo and noisy neighbors. What else is there here? Oh yeah… Packing and cleaning. I think I’d rather go to the dentist and get a root canal done with no anesthetic today. Seriously. Yeah, I am soo not in the mood for either of those things. Most of the house is already packed and I am not packing up the rest of it until the week before the movers come. ….so what’s next? What now?

 

You ever feel like this? Frustrated? Angry? Restless?

 

Well, fuck….I gotta do something before I go completely bat-shit crazy…….

 

and I apologize for  not having any nuggets of peaceful zen woo-woo wisdom for you today. You’ll have to find your own just as I have to go find my own.

 

Thanks for listening to me rant!

 

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A Kali Kind of Mood

I’m in a Kali kind of mood today.

 

I spent part of the morning writing and then I took a break to clean out several more bins and organize them for the big move west at the end of September.  While sorting out a bunch of crap, I found all of these old bills and what not that I have no plan on keeping, but when I found them, I had no idea what to do with them.  Miraculously, my shredder appeared and the party was on!

 

Shred those fuckers and make your own packing material for your move!

 

I swear that I heard Kali whispering in my ear at the time.

 

So who is Kali and why should you care about her?

 

Well, she’s a Hindu Goddess.  The Goddess of Empowerment, Time, Black night, destruction and creation. She’s Shiva’s lover and consort. Want to learn more about her? Well, let me introduce you to my friend  W.I. Kipedia.  He’s my best friend when I want to learn about shit.

 

Anyway…Kali is one of those goddesses. Super powerful, strong and not to be fucked with. She also destroys and creates shit.  You gotta love that!!

 

That’s the kind of mood I am in today.  A total Kali mood that’s both destructive and creative. I also don’t want to be fucked with today. I destroyed my old bills and created packing material for the move.  Somehow, this act has become symbolic for what’s going on right now in my life. I’ve been tearing down my old life here in Massachusetts one box and bin at a time in preparation for a new life that awaits me back in New Mexico.

 

Do I have it all planned out?

No

But I have a plan

 

Now, I swear that Kali is sitting somewhere in her goddess realm completely proud of me for what I’ve been accomplishing the last few weeks.

 

Before creation there must be destruction.  An ending of the old ways. A clearing out of the past, physical, mental and emotional.

 

We’ve been taught to fear change when we really shouldn’t.  Change is a good thing.  Sometimes we have to destroy the old to make room for the new.

 

If you find yourself afraid of change, just sit with it a while.

 

What is it that you really fear?

Is it the actual change?

Maybe that you fear how people will react to the change you made.

Do you feel that if you change, maybe you will lose some crucial part of who you are? Your identity on some level?

 

While I’ve been cleaning, I’ve been discovering that part of me was afraid that by giving away things from my past, that I would be dishonoring the memories of the fabulous, albeit somewhat crazy life I have led,  and therefore myself. Like I needed to keep these things around me to remind me who I am, what I’ve done and where I’ve been..

 

And then I realized that it wasn’t true.

 

I am still me with or without those things. Still whole, still beautiful, still amazing, still funny and still crazy..

 

The things are just things.  They are not me…..

 

Just as your things are not you.  You are you!

 

And you are fabulous and amazing and wonderful too!

 

You don’t need things to be who you are or to remember the life you’ve led. You just need you.

 

So find your Kali and let her help you if you feel afraid of changing your life for the better by destroying the old to let in room for the new!

 

XOXO

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Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys

 

So here’s what happened to me yesterday.  I’ve been talking to many moving companies because I am sure as shit not driving some big assed truck with five cats and towing my cart 2300 miles.  I am  strong independent woman, but I do have my limits and this is one of them.

 

Anyway, one of the salesmen I talked to was this really nice guy.  You know how sometimes when you talk to some salesmen it’s like, ugh….get me off the phone like now….but then there are the ones that are so friendly and helpful and you like them (more on that later) so you want to hire them. Well anyway….over a period of a week, I called him with questions about my move.

 

Now, one of the times I called him, he picked up the phone and had been yelling at someone.  I was really in shock and a bit concerned for the guy.  I wondered who he was yelling at.  Maybe his co-worker  (I’ve actually done that and had a customer hear me so it would not surprise me)  Maybe the dog or the cat.  Maybe the postman.

 

We chatted briefly and then hung up.  Of course I was wondering what the fuck was going on because I hate to hear when people are yelling, upset or angry.

 

So the next day he calls me back to apologize for what had happened.  Then he proceeds to tell me all about his wife.  His wife doesn’t trust him because she’s had other men in her past that were not nice to her.  I understand this as well having been in some bad relationships. I tell him that it’s not him she is mad at, but the other men and herself for making bad choices. While on the phone, I listened and prayed for both of them (Hey, pagans can pray!).  I don’t like to hear of anyone being sad or feeling lousy or any of that, so I prayed.

 

And I figured that was the end of that, or so I thought.  I hadn’t heard from him in over a week and since I haven’t hired my moving company yet, I had no reason to talk to him or any of the other salesmen.

 

Well it wasn’t the end of it.  Sunday I received a weird text from an unknown number.  I ignored it.  Yesterday I got another text from the same number demanding to know if I am Tobi.  I responded with a yes, who are you?  Now….her response was so-and-so’s wife. “Do you have anything you’d like to tell me?”

 

My response was “What are you talking about? Nice to meet you!” Now I don’t know this woman or her husband, but obviously she made some sort of odd connection and assumed that I am up to something devious that involves her husband.

 

Anyway…to make a long story short, when this started to happen, I called him to let him know his wife was texting me and that I did not appreciate it.  Well, they were in the middle of a screaming match when he picked up.  I even offered to talk to her to let her know that I am just a potential customer and that I have no interest in her man.

 

OYE….was I not prepared for what happened when she picked up.  No shit, this is what she said:

 

“I don’t know who the fuck you are or what the fuck you are trying to do with my husband, but you better not ever fucking call this number again, ever.  Do you hear me? You better leave my fucking husband alone or I will….”

 

Then it thankfully cut out.

 

Now, of course what she said completely freaked me out and I was taken aback a bit, but then it made me realize something.

 

I am not responsible for her or her feelings.  Whatever is going on with her and her husband, it’s not my business.  I feel bad for her on some level cause I have felt and behaved nearly as she did yesterday, screaming and yelling because she assumes there is something hinky going on with her husband and me. The truth does not matter.

 

But…really, she is not my problem.

 

The Polish have a saying. 

“Not my circus, Not my monkeys”

 

I think that applies beautifully to this situation, don’t you?

 

I can only control my own behavior and emotions.

 

So the takeaway from this…

YOU are responsible for you.

Not other people.

Even if you want to be and try to be

Even if they yell at you and you want to fix it.

Even if they are friendly and nice and kind.

You are not responsible for them.

Or their emotions

Or their behavior.

Just you.

and your emotions

and your behaviors.

Have a beautiful day with your own circus and monkeys  😉

 

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Life, The Curve Ball, and The Color Red

Life, The Curve Ball, and The Color Red.

 

I have never played baseball or softball, but my father did. Before I was born, he played professional baseball.  Don’t believe me, look him up.  There are two professional baseball players listed in the encyclopedia of baseball with the last name of Camilli. One of them is my father.

 

Anyway….when I was growing up, my father never talked about baseball much. It was just something that happened in the past.  Something he did once.  One time when he was talking about it, he mentioned the curve ball.  I remember listening to him even though I had no bloody idea what he was talking about.  A curve ball?  What in the hell was he talking about?

 

But I looked up to my dad.  He was and still is my first super hero.

 

So as he told the story, he talked about how curve balls were really hard to hit. Knuckle balls were hard to hit as well, but that curve ball was elusive.  According to him, they were one of the biggest challenges for him when he was up to bat.

 

I sat patiently and listened because it was rare that my father ever spoke about baseball and I was sure that even though I had no idea what he was talking about, he was likely to share some cryptic wisdom in his story.

 

I’m remembering that story today because my life has just thrown me a proverbial ‘curve ball’.  I swung at the bastard three fucking times and now I’m out. I’m back in the dugout waiting for my next chance to bat.

 

And all I see is red.

 

Pure red. Anger.  Anger at myself. Anger that I didn’t hit it out of the park. Anger that I didn’t even bunt. Anger that I failed.  I tried and I failed….again.

Red.

 

So here’s the low-down. I’m going to be moving sometime in the next few months. I wasn’t planning on moving, but I welcome the chance to go home and fix up my house that  I own in NM. I will miss Boston and New England though I wish things had worked out differently since I moved here so I have to move on, grieve and say good-bye.

 

I keep alternating between happiness and sadness about leaving Boston and returning to NM.  Part of me is disappointed while another part is elated.

 

Life is like this sometimes. You get up to bat, you swing, you miss and life goes on.

 

When we miss that curve ball, we can become a paradox of swirling emotions.

 

So what can we do about it?

 

Do we wallow in self-pity or anger that we didn’t hit that damn curve ball?

Do we hide our emotions and shrug them off like nothing?

Do we feel ashamed that we struck out at bat and sulk in the corner?

Do we look at these curve balls as hidden opportunities to learn something new and grow as a person?

 

As I sit here writing this, I know that the only answer I have for myself is that when the time comes around again and I am up to bat, I will hit that curve ball or do my damnest to hit it.

 

I will swing again and again.

 

Even when I see red.

 

And am angry

 

and sad

 

and  completely heart broken.

 

What are you going to do about your curve balls?

 

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